you have five new voicemails

I'd come back from a leisurely lunch with a girlfriend. had to pick up something orange for harper to wear today (wear something orange day). I check my office phone and there are quite a few messages. The last one was harper's school. "Mrs. Lawson, harper has been crying, screaming and downright inconsolable, just wanted you to know" I hear her wailing in the background . My phone then rings, jonathan: hey babe, did you get a message from harper's school? me: Yes, I am just picking it up. where are you? jonathan: I am downstairs in front of your building. I pack up my work, remember to grab the milk and we are on our way. We get there and she looks so damn pitiful, like she's been crying for hours. she's sitting on one of the teachers laps and when she sees jonathan and I she shoots us a bright smile. really harp. were you testing to see how long it would take to get to you?

what seems to be the problem? i feel around in her mouth. perhaps it's the top teeth coming in, since the bottom two have officially arrived. i feel nothing. she doesn't have a fever (they checked).

we take her home and i proceed to work from home, using my foot to bounce her in the bouncy chair. I nurse her, she poohs and then she out like a light in the bouncy chair. could it have been gas? so peaceful. i finish out the day and literally a 5:30 when it's time to wrap it up, she wakes up. she must have known.

do you have any saturday programs?

yes - why yes we do - we have ONE program from 9 to 9:45AM. great.

okay, just a small rant. why is it that most of the fun activities for us aren't available on the weekends? no mommy and me yoga, daddy and daughter music time, etc. i don't think it's done on purpose, just unthoughtful. there must be things that are open on the weekends that are just as much fun as the things I did while on maternity leave in the middle of the day. oh, the glorious days of maternity leave. i was a lady that lunched (while nursing of course), but damn it, i lunched. i digress. many will say - there are plenty of things to do...we'll see. No, i don't think it's a conspiracy against out of the house working mommies. i just want a couple of extracurricular things on the weekends. is that too much to ask?

fave yummy baby thing - week of 5/13/09

patemm® pad - a round design that allows you to place your little one in any direction. love her story. http://www.patemm.com/about/

i just ordered it and will let you know how i (okay harper) likes it

carol's daughter & disney

http://www.carolsdaughter.com/display.do?ruleID=100396&utm_source=cheetah&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20090915-DISNEY

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thanks for sharing shamika!

wake up wake up wake up

5:30AM - wake up wake up WAKE UP

6:00AM - jon? babe it's time to get up

6:30AM - wipe harper down get her dressed run to the bathroom and get myself ready (clearly secondary)

7:00AM - downstairs - nurse her.

here come the questions:

1. are her bottles clean?

2. are her bottles packed?

3. where are my pump accessories?

4. are they clean?

5. okay, get the milk out of the freezer?

6. how much should I take, lola?

7. okay, does she have a blanket?

8. where's that bink?

9. where's sophie?

10. it's 7:15AM (though not a question - rather crucial to the dialogue)

11. ready?

12. where's her hat?

in the car - dunkin donuts - decaf for me

it's 7:30 - getting closer

8:00AM - school

8:00-8:09AM - wash her hands, wash my hands, wash his hands, put milk in freezer, sign her in the book (i always write something along the lines of - have a terrific day! - something nice for her teachers to read- they are so sweet).

8:15AM - dropped off at work

8:30AM - pump, check email, clean up accessories, work (pray no one ignores the sign that says "DO NOT ENTER")

12:00PM - pump, check email, clean up accessories, work (again pray no one ignores the sign that says "DO NOT ENTER")

3:30PM - pump, check email, clean up accessories, work (again pray no one ignores the sign that says "DO NOT ENTER")

5:30PM - don't forget the milk...don't forget the milk...oh Lord, I almost forgot the milk

5:45PM - she smiles

6:30PM - she naps

8:00PM - time for bed - bath time, book, boob, bed...

9:00PM - my time - all these plans to read, exercise, make calls, check email, addictive check facebook...my eyelids are getting heavy.

FIGHT THIS!

9:15PM - okay, i'll shower and wake up

9:45PM - oh the bed is calling me

10:00PM - lights out

1:00AM - (harp wrestling the miracle blanket that is too small for her)

1:15AM - boob

1:30AM - back to sleep

4:00AM - (harp wrestling the miracle blanket, again, that is too small for her)

4:30AM - i'll just hold her a bit more on my chest to get more sleep

5:00AM - so glad that I learned how to nurse lying down

5:15AM - left boob almost completely empty (lol!)

5:30AM - wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!

back to the grind

well work begins on monday. already took a conference call. i am pretty numb to the whole work thing right now, pretty ambivalent. one the one hand, i am nervous - do i still have it? the drive. and on the other, it can't be that bad, i've done it before and I'll jump right back in. what i know for sure, is that things have changed. I always wondered how my colleagues with children had a different way about them. i feel that now. things are different.

harp completed her first week of school. her teachers made it so easy for me.

transition...

so the transition begins. the word in and of itself is intimidating. transitioning. my baby is going to school (ok daycare). i woke up at 4am to here her talking and wrestling with the miracle blanket (the best, more on that later). i couldn't wait for her to start whimpering so that I could hurry and pick her up. oh, there it is. I grab her and sway her quietly. oh i love her so - her scent is mezmorizing. i started to tear up because today is the day. the day she goes to school. i knew this day was coming, but i couldn't believe it was here so soon. we pull up the school and i compose myself (why am i listening to sad music), i know for tomorrow to pump some stevie to get me right in the head. i put her in the ergo and walk to the door - buzz. we walk to the room and I don't want to let her go. when i do, to let her teacher feed her, i see that my big girl isn't really big at all. she's mighty small compared to all the older kids. I loose it. right there on the bench. i loose it. tears...

after the singing circle, i pull myself together and text jon - "this ish is hard". get us out of here.

i nurse her and feel closer than we have ever been. i am here for her and by God's mercy and favor, she is here for me.

the whole nipple, nothing but the nipple, so help me

why?

do i really have anything to say? anything at all? i am totally new to this mommy thing; only 12 weeks and some change in. would anyone want to read this? perhaps it's more for she and i versus anyone else. just my thoughts, wishes, prayers...

i promise to be honest, i promise to be me...

really 12 weeks...

she's 12 weeks. really? time flies when you are changing diapers, nursing and just staring.

today was a great day, everyday is great with her. we had our usual monday boob class. a full 2 hours of questions, answers, support, concern and mutual respect. today was mostly about pumping (i can't stand it). sitting there - the damn thing begins to sound like it's speaking. "go get that, go get that, go get that..." go get what? i digress.

i love the class - when harp was just 5 weeks we ventured out on our own. it's an oasis, a place to be me, a place for her to interact with other babies and for crying out loud, it gets us out of the house. oh "my baby's pooh is green, what does that mean?" "don't worry, that happened to charlie." with those four words - "don't worry that happened", a calm comes over your heart and your strength it back!