back to the grind

well work begins on monday. already took a conference call. i am pretty numb to the whole work thing right now, pretty ambivalent. one the one hand, i am nervous - do i still have it? the drive. and on the other, it can't be that bad, i've done it before and I'll jump right back in. what i know for sure, is that things have changed. I always wondered how my colleagues with children had a different way about them. i feel that now. things are different.

harp completed her first week of school. her teachers made it so easy for me.

transition...

so the transition begins. the word in and of itself is intimidating. transitioning. my baby is going to school (ok daycare). i woke up at 4am to here her talking and wrestling with the miracle blanket (the best, more on that later). i couldn't wait for her to start whimpering so that I could hurry and pick her up. oh, there it is. I grab her and sway her quietly. oh i love her so - her scent is mezmorizing. i started to tear up because today is the day. the day she goes to school. i knew this day was coming, but i couldn't believe it was here so soon. we pull up the school and i compose myself (why am i listening to sad music), i know for tomorrow to pump some stevie to get me right in the head. i put her in the ergo and walk to the door - buzz. we walk to the room and I don't want to let her go. when i do, to let her teacher feed her, i see that my big girl isn't really big at all. she's mighty small compared to all the older kids. I loose it. right there on the bench. i loose it. tears...

after the singing circle, i pull myself together and text jon - "this ish is hard". get us out of here.

i nurse her and feel closer than we have ever been. i am here for her and by God's mercy and favor, she is here for me.

the whole nipple, nothing but the nipple, so help me

why?

do i really have anything to say? anything at all? i am totally new to this mommy thing; only 12 weeks and some change in. would anyone want to read this? perhaps it's more for she and i versus anyone else. just my thoughts, wishes, prayers...

i promise to be honest, i promise to be me...

really 12 weeks...

she's 12 weeks. really? time flies when you are changing diapers, nursing and just staring.

today was a great day, everyday is great with her. we had our usual monday boob class. a full 2 hours of questions, answers, support, concern and mutual respect. today was mostly about pumping (i can't stand it). sitting there - the damn thing begins to sound like it's speaking. "go get that, go get that, go get that..." go get what? i digress.

i love the class - when harp was just 5 weeks we ventured out on our own. it's an oasis, a place to be me, a place for her to interact with other babies and for crying out loud, it gets us out of the house. oh "my baby's pooh is green, what does that mean?" "don't worry, that happened to charlie." with those four words - "don't worry that happened", a calm comes over your heart and your strength it back!